Let's Talk
In honour of Bell Let's Talk Day, where the primary focus is around mental illness, I decided I would share my story for a few reasons. First, it embarrasses me that I deal with these challenges, and secondly, because maybe I can make an impact on someone's life.
Growing up, I was always told I was full of piss and vinegar because of my hyper nature; I can always remember my Grandma telling to me "settle down" in her sternest voice she could muster up. If she wasn't saying that, she would be telling me I was like a "worm on a hot tin shovel"... whatever that means. I grew up without any knowledge of what depression or anxiety was. I simply enjoyed my life. I played hockey, soccer, I rode my bike constantly, and was usually always hanging out with my friends.
As my life went on and as I got older, I could always recognize feelings of nervousness. Playing hockey for the most part of my life, I can remember feeling absolutely petrified to walk into our team dressing room or attending any camps I may of received a letter too. I can remember one time, I got a letter to attend the Regina Pat Canadian's AAA camp. A bunch of my friends were going to be at it, as well as people who I had played against growing up. My parents tried to encourage me to go but I came up with every excuse in the book to avoid being there. I was very reserved, very quiet and shy, and never felt like I fit in with "the boys." What made it worse was that the people who I associated with always had no problem fitting in with the other guys. It was really hard for me, and I never went.
During my grade twelve year, I was diagnosed with depression. I was given medication and I thought all would be well. By this time, I already new that I was an anxious person, but I never made much of it until a few years later. Being diagnosed with depression was challenging. Once I graduated, I moved away from home to Lethbridge, Alberta to chase my dreams of becoming a broadcaster for TSN. All I ever wanted to do since elementary school was share the news of the sports world (I still do). Instead, my time in Lethbridge turned into a very destructive time for me. Many people like to drink, and to be totally honest I never really liked it that much, however, I found myself doing it from Tuesday to Sunday every week with my roommate. I did have fun, but only at the cost of my entire dream. I didn't even last a semester in school. I never went to class; I was always hungover, and I was spending my parent's money freely on alcohol and at the casino which in retrospect was absolutely stupid. When I returned home I started to spiral. I couldn't hold a job, I began smoking marijuana like they were cigarettes and I constantly felt burned out. There were days where I would wake up at 5am so I could call my work before anyone arrived and leave a message that I would not be showing up that day. I was TERRIFIED to tell that to anyone. The entire day I would lay in my bed and pretend to sleep, dreading that my boss would try and call me, and if he did, I would ignore it, over and over and over. This became a cycle, and turned into some of the darkest days of my life.
I mentioned that I was on medication. I was embarrassed to have to take pills to help me feel happiness. I was always so happy as a child and then all of a sudden, one day I just began questioning my worth.... Depression can happen so fast, and when it happens it can feel like all is lost. I stopped taking my pills, which was extremely hard on me. I can still remember how my head would begin to feel when I started depriving myself of my medication. I would turn my head one way and the weirdest sensation would just flow through my body. I was dependent of the medication and for me, that was a tough pill to swallow (pun intended :)).
The last segment of my life that I want to share is when I moved to Winnipeg to attend the University of Winnipeg. My life had begun to change. I got baptized, I quit drinking and doing drugs, and I essentially put myself onto a new path. I stopped hanging out with the people who I had always hung out with and began to focus on me. Quickly, I never stopped hanging out with my childhood friends because of our lifestyle.. I love those people and they will always be my friends, but it was time I started just doing ME. I felt happy, and I honestly thought that magically my depression was gone. Unfortunately, and for those of you who suffer from depression, you know that is not true, even if you do go on streaks of sustained happiness. So back to the story. I lived in the school residence my first year at the University of Winnipeg. I was excited, but knowing me, I was anxious as could be about it. I tried to put myself out there and would tell myself, 'okay, tomorrow Jordan, you are gonna go into the common area and hang out with people' and I would believe myself..... and then the day would come and I just couldn't. It got to the point where I was literally to scared to leave my room. I wouldn't eat because I was to afraid to go into the kitchen. Again, I felt myself losing control of my life.. and for a period of time, I did.
Depression is real, it is a sickness, and it is hard. I am the type of person who thinks he can do anything. I mean I will push myself until I literally cannot handle it anymore. I know I need to work on it, and thankfully I have a beautiful wife who is so loving and patient and encouraging that I am beginning to believe I do NOT have to do everything on my own.
If I could share one thing that is constructive it would be this, and I hope that I can take some of my own medicine because I need this as much as anyone. Do not run from your depression and anxiety. Make it a part of you and challenge yourself in life. I know that when I challenge myself to do things that scare me and make me uncomfortable, the results are always so positive and worth it. But anyways, keep your head up and never feel like you are not worth your own life. I have learned so many valuable things, and the most important one is that we are all sons and daughter of a loving God who see's so much potential in all of us. And if you do not believe that, then at least know that you have a purpose on this earth, and that you are strong and capable of doing whatever you want, no matter how you feel. We will have those days where we feel like we just can't do it. I had one of those days yesterday, but I know that I have to wake up the next day and go to school and fulfill my dreams. So, to those who suffer from mental illness, ignore the stigmas, love yourself, find people in your life who will love you for who YOU are, and most importantly, chase your dreams.
Growing up, I was always told I was full of piss and vinegar because of my hyper nature; I can always remember my Grandma telling to me "settle down" in her sternest voice she could muster up. If she wasn't saying that, she would be telling me I was like a "worm on a hot tin shovel"... whatever that means. I grew up without any knowledge of what depression or anxiety was. I simply enjoyed my life. I played hockey, soccer, I rode my bike constantly, and was usually always hanging out with my friends.
As my life went on and as I got older, I could always recognize feelings of nervousness. Playing hockey for the most part of my life, I can remember feeling absolutely petrified to walk into our team dressing room or attending any camps I may of received a letter too. I can remember one time, I got a letter to attend the Regina Pat Canadian's AAA camp. A bunch of my friends were going to be at it, as well as people who I had played against growing up. My parents tried to encourage me to go but I came up with every excuse in the book to avoid being there. I was very reserved, very quiet and shy, and never felt like I fit in with "the boys." What made it worse was that the people who I associated with always had no problem fitting in with the other guys. It was really hard for me, and I never went.
During my grade twelve year, I was diagnosed with depression. I was given medication and I thought all would be well. By this time, I already new that I was an anxious person, but I never made much of it until a few years later. Being diagnosed with depression was challenging. Once I graduated, I moved away from home to Lethbridge, Alberta to chase my dreams of becoming a broadcaster for TSN. All I ever wanted to do since elementary school was share the news of the sports world (I still do). Instead, my time in Lethbridge turned into a very destructive time for me. Many people like to drink, and to be totally honest I never really liked it that much, however, I found myself doing it from Tuesday to Sunday every week with my roommate. I did have fun, but only at the cost of my entire dream. I didn't even last a semester in school. I never went to class; I was always hungover, and I was spending my parent's money freely on alcohol and at the casino which in retrospect was absolutely stupid. When I returned home I started to spiral. I couldn't hold a job, I began smoking marijuana like they were cigarettes and I constantly felt burned out. There were days where I would wake up at 5am so I could call my work before anyone arrived and leave a message that I would not be showing up that day. I was TERRIFIED to tell that to anyone. The entire day I would lay in my bed and pretend to sleep, dreading that my boss would try and call me, and if he did, I would ignore it, over and over and over. This became a cycle, and turned into some of the darkest days of my life.
I mentioned that I was on medication. I was embarrassed to have to take pills to help me feel happiness. I was always so happy as a child and then all of a sudden, one day I just began questioning my worth.... Depression can happen so fast, and when it happens it can feel like all is lost. I stopped taking my pills, which was extremely hard on me. I can still remember how my head would begin to feel when I started depriving myself of my medication. I would turn my head one way and the weirdest sensation would just flow through my body. I was dependent of the medication and for me, that was a tough pill to swallow (pun intended :)).
The last segment of my life that I want to share is when I moved to Winnipeg to attend the University of Winnipeg. My life had begun to change. I got baptized, I quit drinking and doing drugs, and I essentially put myself onto a new path. I stopped hanging out with the people who I had always hung out with and began to focus on me. Quickly, I never stopped hanging out with my childhood friends because of our lifestyle.. I love those people and they will always be my friends, but it was time I started just doing ME. I felt happy, and I honestly thought that magically my depression was gone. Unfortunately, and for those of you who suffer from depression, you know that is not true, even if you do go on streaks of sustained happiness. So back to the story. I lived in the school residence my first year at the University of Winnipeg. I was excited, but knowing me, I was anxious as could be about it. I tried to put myself out there and would tell myself, 'okay, tomorrow Jordan, you are gonna go into the common area and hang out with people' and I would believe myself..... and then the day would come and I just couldn't. It got to the point where I was literally to scared to leave my room. I wouldn't eat because I was to afraid to go into the kitchen. Again, I felt myself losing control of my life.. and for a period of time, I did.
Depression is real, it is a sickness, and it is hard. I am the type of person who thinks he can do anything. I mean I will push myself until I literally cannot handle it anymore. I know I need to work on it, and thankfully I have a beautiful wife who is so loving and patient and encouraging that I am beginning to believe I do NOT have to do everything on my own.
If I could share one thing that is constructive it would be this, and I hope that I can take some of my own medicine because I need this as much as anyone. Do not run from your depression and anxiety. Make it a part of you and challenge yourself in life. I know that when I challenge myself to do things that scare me and make me uncomfortable, the results are always so positive and worth it. But anyways, keep your head up and never feel like you are not worth your own life. I have learned so many valuable things, and the most important one is that we are all sons and daughter of a loving God who see's so much potential in all of us. And if you do not believe that, then at least know that you have a purpose on this earth, and that you are strong and capable of doing whatever you want, no matter how you feel. We will have those days where we feel like we just can't do it. I had one of those days yesterday, but I know that I have to wake up the next day and go to school and fulfill my dreams. So, to those who suffer from mental illness, ignore the stigmas, love yourself, find people in your life who will love you for who YOU are, and most importantly, chase your dreams.
Proud of you bro.
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